Feeling Judged – a bottle feeding mummy
You hear a lot about judgement of breastfeeding mummies; horror stories of being told to cover up, asked to feed in toilets and being ostracised by society. There are huge campaigns to normalise breasfeeding which is a great thing, however I have to say I have never once felt judged for feeding my child until I started to bottle feed.
I was lucky to be able to breastfeed my daughter for 4.5 months and my son a little longer for 5.5 months. They took a bottle of expressed each evening from a bottle to ensure that they could do it and to get daddy involved, but other than that they were exclusively fed from the breast. Our decision to move to full time bottle and formula was different for each: for her it was my return to work, and for him an extremely hungary boy! It was our decisiion to make and one that I do not regret as it was made with the best interests of the family at heart and both children have thrived. H0wever what I was not prepared for was the judgement.
Never once while breastfeeding either child did I have a bad experience; no tutting, no confrontation and never was I asked to do it elsewhere. I happily fed in public, on the move and even once in the sling walking around Ikea. If they were hungry they were fed no matter where we were. Simple. Everyone we encountered was supportive and accomadating. However now we are full time bottle with my son, this is where the judgement has started.
It’s only been about a month since we started a bottle in the day (first combi fed while we transitioned over but full time for the past few weeks), but in that time I have had dirty looks, tutting, whispers and pointing. A loud conversation right beside me discussing why THEY would NEVER bottle feed as well as automatic assumptions that I would still be breastfeeding and shock and rude questions when it was discovered that I wasn’t: “you DO know that breastmilk is best for your baby right?” and “why would you stop when formula is so bad for them?”.
The answer? It’s none of your business.
Since when should normalising breastfeeding come at the expense of those parents who choose to bottle feed for whatever reason? We are asked to accept the mothers right to breastfeed but what about accepting the mothers right to choose how best to feed their babies? You have no idea of the reasons behind that decision; it could be physical, emotional or simply a personal preference. It could be a decision she is struggling with or something she is forced into, or it could just be a decision she made. The point is, whatever that reason it is not only no one else’s business but it is also her choice and believe it or not, your opinion does not matter to her.
What I do know is that I have never felt more self concious or made to feel ‘less than’ as a mother until I started to feed my son in public from a bottle and that is just sad. Too often we seem to value our self worth through the comparison to and the judgement of others and we need stop. Just stop.
It’s madness isn’t it!? We should all just be allowed to do what is right for us and our family. I breastfed both mine for 12 months and I would feed any time any where when out n about and I never had anyone complain. But it does seem that society has got less tolerant (my ‘babies’ are 16 and 19) and that saddens me. Good luck with your return to work and well done for what sounds like a fairly pain free swap to bottles. Michelle xx
I’m so sorry you came up against this. It is so sad that people can’t just appreciate that a mother is looking after her child. The only reason people should be in uproar is if the baby wasn’t being fed at all!
Parenting is a tough game and what works for one does not necessarily work for another so it would be much more helpful if we all stuck together and supported one another in whatever choice they make rather than pull them down with rude comments
Why don’t people realise that fed is best for baby.
As long as your child is being fed why does it matter how.
Your doing a great job. X
I felt that too. With my first daughter I was lucky enough to breast feed for a year as well as combining with food after 6 months. With my second daughter, I started breastfeeding but she always seemed hungry and so I used to combine with bottle feeding. Like you said, I never got judged for breastfeeding but bottlefeeding would get disapproving looks. I just learned to block out what people said after a while – either smile and nod or pretend I didn’t hear. Good luck x
Wow, I can’t believe people are like this! How rude can people be?
I had the opposite probalem when I went to visit my husband’s (very traditional) family in Ireland and was made to feel very uncomfortable for breastfeeding. I had to leave the main room and go and sit in a draughty bedroom somewhere to do it. I don’t see why feeding babies has to be a problem for anyone no matter how you do it.
People are funny, aren’t they?! You think they’d just be happy the baby wasn’t crying and was being fed, rather than having to put their judgy pants on.
Thanks for writing this. My baby is just over 5 months old and I’ve made the decision to start combi feeding for a couple of reasons, one of which being I’ve just had enough! Baby isn’t playing along and hates the bottle, but hopefully we are getting there. I feel proud I’ve got this far, but already a little judged that I’m ‘giving up’.
I’ve also had people being surprised that I’ve breastfed such a big boy for 5 months, sort of implying that he needs more and I’m starving him. I think we just can’t win either way!